Uppity Women Blog

If it seems odd that my first post on a feminist blog is about decrying a website that ostensibly promotes separate female space, well, you are probably right. It seems odd to me, too. However, CafeMom’s attempt to co-opt an idea of feminist separatism while at the same time perpetuating a raft of harmful and demeaning stereotypes of women kind of made my head asplode.

So as much as I am a feminist, I have to speak up against sexism and discrimination, and in this case what I see is an extremely sexist campaign aimed at making money, rather than at providing safe space for women, or promoting equality or any of the things some real-world separatist events and movements try to do.

CafeMom describes itself, when it is talking seriously, as a parenting site, in fact, the “leading parenting site on the internet”. (Last time I checked, parents came in two genders, male and female.) Almost as if the male owners of the site, Andrew Shue and Michael Sanchez want it to be taken seriously as a money-making web enterprise. It’s clearly making money; they openly boast about securing $12 million in funding because of its potential “to be the preferred online partner for the best brands in the world”. This is not just some mom and pop operation. (Especially not the “pop” part.)

However, the front page itself has rather different language: “CafeMom is a place for moms and moms-to-be to connect with one another.” Not so serious and businessy. Rather than going for a “come in and experience our finely honed advertising environment” vibe, the emphasis here is on female membership and community. Some (including the advertisers, obviously) might argue, fair enough, since the majority of participants on parenting sites probably are women. That said, at no point does the site actually state in its TOS that you have to be female to join, nor does it ask a gender question in the registration process. So there isn’t really any serious effort being made even to give more than lip service to the idea that this is female space. In fact, primarily, it is commercial space, but again, making that too upfront would be a turn-off.

Obviously, there is no actual way to guarantee that online space is female space anyway. My point is, CafeMom is not even forcing guys who join to lie about their gender. There’s not even an equivalent of the weak, “You must be over 18 to view this material; click this button to say you are” button that appears on sites that have “rules” about who is allowed to view adult content. To join the site, I do not need to certify that I am female.

However, if you choose an obviously male name, and someone notices, you will get banned. Suburbandaddy got an email cancelling his account because, clearly, he had some kind of “dude” vibe. The comments he got from CafeMom members on his initial post and the follow-up display an astonishing breadth of ignorance and vitriol, from the milder “We don’t want you on our site!” to the hilarious “making people pretend to be female protects us from pedophiles”. Actually, this latter one isn’t all that funny, but you have to laugh or cry, so I choose to laugh.

Look, there’s an argument to be made for safe space for women on the internets, and we here at Uppity are all for that. We’re doing something active about it. And there’s an argument for women’s only events in meatspace, especially in contexts or environments where women might not otherwise feel free or safe. I’m hip to that; I get it. But trying to ban men from a parenting site is not a bold step forward for feminism. It’s actually reinforcing a sexist stereotype that childrearing is a job for women that men have no business being a part of. How is that feminist, or even helpful?

All of which is a lead up to my other objection to this whole “moms only” campaign being touted as feminist, which is that CafeMom’s advertising is actually horribly sexist. Check out this ad, which SJ was so kind as to bring to my attention:

CafeMom Advertisement

The cartoon mom is your typical stereotype of female beauty, isn’t she? The only sign of her pregnancy is that round bulge she is gently cradling in her arms. Otherwise, she is skinny, beautifully coiffed, made-up, dressed and accessorised. The fact that she is a cartoon, rather than a real woman, creates and enhances a kind of infantilisation, which of course, is the way pregnant women are often portrayed.

The copy perpetuates the infantilisation, too, with its suggestion of clubhouses with “No boys allowed” or “Boys are icky” on the door. Pregnant women, who by definition are adults, are displayed here as being around about age 8, mentally. The fact that men were clearly involved at some point in the conception of the child currently in picture is completely denied and erased. If you are a guy, and you want to be involved in your partner’s pregnancy, this ad is saying, “Get over yourself. This is none of your business.”

Then there’s the name. “CafeMom” and it’s a place for moms. Not for women, not for whole people who may be parents but have other ideas, interests and abilities, but for moms, whose identities are defined wholly and soley by their children. Don’t tell me that’s feminist space. That’s patriarchal space - let’s put the moms in here, in this playpen, where we can make sure that they are spending all their mommy dollars on products made by our advertising partners.